Having the Difficult Conversation: Finances, Relationships, And Neurodiversity
Guest Blog by Benjamin Meyer, LCSW-R of https://benjaminmeyerlcsw.com
Talking about finances can be difficult in any relationship, but as a neurodiverse individual, family member, or partner, you know that we often have unique circumstances when it comes to our money.
Some of us have spent a considerable amount of time looking for the right career fit, while others have set up trusts in our name. These differences can create some sensitivity while discussing finances within romantic relationships, especially when interacting with those who may not understand our unique relationships with our bank account.
Even during dating, uncomfortable questions can arise that can imply an interest in our finances, specifically those that pertain to our professional status and level of independence. Sometimes, it can be helpful to have a few tools for making these conversations easier. However, it is important to first identify some of the stressors that pertain to our unique situations. As a neurodiverse person, you likely know that the challenges of living with special needs go far beyond managing your bank account. Maybe you experience difficulties maintaining employment, relationships, or managing everyday tasks.
Sometimes, it can seem like there are so many dreaded questions on a date, such as “Are you still living at home?” and “What do you do for a living?” Keep in mind that while you have every right to decline to answer them, it can be helpful to have some potential responses that display confidence. For example, you could say, “The best possible move for my career right now is to live with my family to explore different options close to home while saving up to move out later.” If you are still deciding on a profession, it can be effective to respond by making a statement such as “I take the process of choosing a career very seriously, and I am exploring a few different options to make sure that I find the right fit.” Many people will respect where you are in your journey towards independence and a professional identity. As with many skills, the ability to respond to these questions in the moment can develop with practice.
For those of you who are parents of neurodiverse children, I know that planning for your child’s future can be taxing, as there are many aspects of the process to consider. Your adult children may feel shame, sadness, anger, and resentment regarding the financial limitations stipulated in estates, wills, and special needs trusts. If these conversations with your adult children are already filled with complicated emotions, imagine how challenging it may be for him or her to navigate them during the process of developing a relationship! However, by building the confidence to appropriately address this subject, he or she may become better able to accomplish their dating and relationship goals.
Discussing finances involves a fair amount of vulnerability. According to the financial therapist Amanda Clayman, it also involves a certain level of intimacy and transparency (Migaki, 2021).
However, those of us with unique financial histories and special needs trusts may feel especially vulnerable when discussing our finances. Therefore, it can be helpful to develop a certain level of intimacy with someone before broaching this topic. Also, it is important to consider your level of comfort speaking to that person regarding your past in general. For example, do you feel that you can be open regarding periods of unemployment? If having a regular job is not the best fit for you, can you express this honestly to him or her without fear of judgement. If you need to spend more hours at work to earn pay comparable to your peers, will your partner understand why this is necessary? Does your partner understand your decision to live in an inherited condo or one that was purchased by your family instead of saving for a down payment on a home? You may find that many of the financial conversations you have with him or her center on your respective priorities and goals.
If you have a special needs trust or designated funds set aside for you, it may be helpful to have an in-depth conversation regarding the meaning of this within your relationship; inheritances and family support may carry the stigma of entitlement and privilege in a neurotypical relationship, but clearly have a very different meaning in your context. Elucidating the difference between a general inheritance and money set aside for special needs can be clarifying and reduce resentment and misunderstanding, especially if your partner is employed while you are not. It is also the case that one of you may have a significantly higher income or access to trusts and inheritance than the other. Remember that you both contribute to the relationship in different ways and can similarly provide support on different emotional, practical, and financial levels. Deciding what kind of support each of you is best equipped to offer is an ongoing negotiation within the relationship.
Your partner and you may have different budgeting habits. Your spending and saving may be influenced by maintaining benefits such as Medicaid eligibility, SSI, or SSD while on a fixed income. Therefore, it is critical to communicate openly regarding how and why you manage your finances, and how to budget accordingly.
If you experience executive functioning deficits that cause you difficulty in maintaining a budget, it is often helpful to set up a system that both of you can follow. Possible suggestions include using an Excel spreadsheet to track spending and saving, deciding how to split costs, and practicing regular communicating regarding your short- and long-term financial goals. Also, in some situations, if your financial needs and priorities differ, you may want to discuss having separate bank accounts.
Since these discussions are often difficult, it is important to practice a few fundamental communication skills. Remember that this is a conversation regarding your respective values, beliefs, and backgrounds and not just the practical decisions that you are making together. Therefore, approaching the subject with curiosity and sensitivity is key. Like any complex subject, you can break it down into smaller steps, and it is best to have it when you are both feeling calm.
A discussion about money can also evolve into a larger conversation about your backgrounds, beliefs, and values. Active listening by repeating and validating your partner’s story, while also actively sharing your history and beliefs while using “I” statements can help both of you to communicate effectively without imposing your beliefs onto one another. If you experience some disagreements or the discussion becomes heated, it is helpful to shift away from the practical and focus on the feelings in the moment and what was triggering; does either of you feel not heard or judged, or is one of you forcing his or her point of view onto the other?
Sometimes, it helps to take a break from the conversation and to return to it when you feel calmer.
Discussions about finances in a neurodiverse relationship can be complex. Our financial histories are different, and it can be a challenge to explain this to a partner who may not have familiarity with how our special needs trusts, disability benefits, and employment histories have been influenced by our unique needs and circumstances. Sometimes, money can even be present during the initial dating process, which can be a challenge to navigate for those who may not have established themselves professionally. However, by practicing positive communication skills and explaining your situation, finances do not have to be an overwhelming and taboo subject.
Benjamin provides psychotherapy and coaching services in English and Spanish that supports neurodiverse adults in accomplishing their professional and social goals. He also offers workshops on developing dating and professional skills. He brings a unique perspective in combining psychotherapy and coaching. He has completed training in psychotherapy, and he is committed to continuing to educate regarding the connection between neurodiversity and mental health. You can find out more about his services on his website and blog at benjaminmeyerlcsw.com.